Musings

Sometimes I wonder how I got to where I am today. I think about the course of events that made me who I am. If certain things had gone differently where would I be. Would I be happier with my life; would I care about the same things.

I think that maybe if certain big life changing events didn't happen that I might still be the same, and then I wonder if I would be satisfied with myself. And I don't know, but I'd like to think that it's no. I'd like to think that I've been able to at least get something out of them. Maybe it's those types of events that make you grow. The biggest thing is that I have found is that I can't do it all by myself. I discovered that I can't keep everything to myself and that I need somebody to just listen. But herein lies the difficulty with finding somebody to listen.

How do you know who you can talk to about such things. I know that often times I just didn't feel comfortable telling. I almost felt like on some level they wouldn't understand or even worse simply couldn't understand. But now I need to know.

I need to know where we stand. I need to know what level we are on. I need to know what I can feel comfortable telling. I need to know that if I lay myself out there that you will too. I need the trust level to be mutual. Because to find out that you think you are on one level and somebody is on a lower level really sucks. But at least then it's clear. It's clear that you must fall down to the lowest common denominator.

The thing is I don't want to find out that some things aren't what I thought they were, but then again I can't not know. I'm not going to live through a facade.

Finding out a friendship may be on a lower level isn't a knock on the friendship. It just means that that is the appropriate depth for the friendship at that particular time. But that's not to say that the scale is static by any means.

So yeah, things are going to be difficult as I figure this all out. But better now than never...